is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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