He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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