Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
