I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
