I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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