Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
