i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
