Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize