Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
