Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
