Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
