dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize