Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
