my mouth tastes like poor choices
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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