today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
