On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
