I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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