Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just forgot I was standing up.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
