he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
