His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
