apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
