I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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