She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
