She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
