Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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