and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
