So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
