Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
