im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
