His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
