I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
