I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
