I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
