Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
