um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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