I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
