So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
