Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
