Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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