I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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