Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
