last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Sober January is a disaster.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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