Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize