I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize