So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
