At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
