Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
