70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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