My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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