have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize