you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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