But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
