Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
