Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
