I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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