Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
