Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
