Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
