I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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