You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
