My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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