forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
