I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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